When I was younger, confusion about what emotions were “good” and which of them were “bad” and advise of when to “feel my emotions”, and when to “overcome them and let them go” sent me into this unconscious, self-defense mechanism of disconnecting from them. As a child, this often helped me cope with what was transpiring around me when it was too much for me to understand or process. As an adult, this pattern hindered more than it help. In relationships, I would sometime shut down and close off instead of expressing how I felt thus hindering my ability to relate. Worse than that, when uncomfortable emotions surfaced, I would blame and accuse my partner of doing “this” to me. My pointing the finger would lead to his need to defend himself which would escalate to an argument, and often down the rabbit hole we’d go. If  I’d only known then what I’m about to share now, I would have been able to relate and understand that in healthy-happy relationships, the couple work together to overcome what’s needed. It’s them against adversity and not against each other.

The first time I heard primary and secondary emotions explained this way, it was so simple and so vital that I wondered how in the world had no one put it in a bottle and sold it. If they had, they would have made a fortune, I thought.

Emotions can be divided into four categories; primary emotions, secondary emotions, identified emotions and meta emotions.

Today, I will only addressed primary and secondary emotions since I wanted to share it with you for self-growth and personal and personal understanding.

• Primary Emotions- are a natural response to an event, and its purpose is to heal. If a child is sad because his mom leaves to go to work and he cries about it, he feels better. If the child  is able to express the emotion freely, he begins to learn individuality and self-awareness. Primary emotions when expressed uninhibitedly leave us feeling lighter, more peaceful and with a sense of completion. Primary emotions are also conscious and directed outwards. They don’t seem embarrassing. Others are able to sympathize with it, and when they’re shared in the presence of another, both parties are left feeling stronger.
• Secondary Emotions- on the other hand don’t heal and instead, they deviate from primary emotions. Theirs is a design of Self-defense mechanism when a primary emotion is too intense for us to process. Secondary emotions hinder action. We  hold onto them because they keep us from holding ourselves accountable from not taking action, which is what we must do . They’re usually inward, and when expressed there’s the tendency to close the eyes and/or cover the face. Secondary Emotions seek attention, and they often leave the doer and the observer depleted and in a negative state. It is a never ending pattern that leads nowhere healthy.

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So if you’re wondering what in the heck does that have to do with you and how it serves you, it’s very simple. Next time you have an emotion that surfaces, pay attention, is it a secondary emotion? are your eyes closed? are you covering your face? If so, then you know it’s a secondary emotion. Now you know it leads no where, so instead of indulging into this emotion ask yourself  “what’s the primary emotions that I need to express instead?” and when that surfaces, stay present, let it flow. Feel the emotion, the sometimes physical discomfort. This is the way  to healing. I promise you will survive, and at the end, you will feel much better.

Have you ever wanted to do something important but no matter how focused you intended to be, instead you ended up doing something completely different? Have you ever regretted “throwing a tantrum” as a response to something that was said or done by someone else? Did you ever freeze or shut down in the presence of someone unable to say something only to have the answer come up and soon as they left?

Some people would refer to it as Self-Sabotage. I call it inner-child behavior at its most expressive.

The good news is that there is a simple 5- step process to embrace the inner child with love and acceptance.

But before I get into that, let me give you some insight as to why it happens.

According to the “Still Face Experiment” conducted in 1975 by Dr. Edward Tronick PhD, director of the Child Development Unit at Harvard University, babies are extremely engaged and in tune with their primary caregivers, usually mom and dad. This social interaction starts shortly after birth.

During this experiment, a mom is truly present while playing with her baby of about 1 year of age and the baby is very responsive and happy to have the mother’s full attention. As Dr. Tronick put it, “they’re working to coordinate their emotions and their intentions of what they want to do in the world”. They are clearly in sync and fully responsive to one another. Soon after, the mother is asked to ignore the baby. The baby quickly picks up on this and uses all of her abilities to get the mother to respond to her, she smiles, points, extends both open arms reaching out towards the mother, but she is unresponsive to it.

When all of these efforts don’t work, the baby, in distress resorts to negative emotions, including turning away from the mother, in order to engage with her again. Dr. Tronick calls this “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. The good is the normal stuff that we all do… the positive interaction that transpires in life between child and parent. The bad is when something happens that disrupts the bond between child and parent, but the child has an opportunity to overcome it and get back to the good. And the ugly happens when there is no chance for the child to get back to the good.

This is what in family constellations we call interruptive movement… the child, in whatever way it is, reaches out for the parent, and if the parent isn’t there, the child goes inward and the ability to increase a bond or connection is compromised. She/he gets stuck in a unresolved pattern, and as an adult, unconsciously, will look for opportunities again and again to overcome this “stuckness” by attracting similar situations or events in order to move through “bad” and back to the “good”. In order words, the child within (inner-child) is still looking for the love and/or resolution we didn’t think we got from our parents in other relationships.

These relationships, romantic, friendships, work, etc. can become the catalyst for our healing only if we’re willing to give ourselves what we ask for in them. It is not their job to give us what we lack. They couldn’t, even if they did their best, fill the void that we feel inside. This void can only be filled by us, and we do so by being the “parent” to our inner-child thus learning to love ourselves unconditionally, the way a parent loves their child.

The key to getting back to the “good” is to move through the next 5 stages:

1. Acknowledgment
2. Expression
3. Acceptance
4. Lesson/Learning
5. Gratitude

This could be done in a meditation, by journaling, or as self-reflection, etc.

Steps 1-3 must be done in one sitting, 4 & 5 can be done separately and at a later time.

During a meditation, you move through the stages by seeing yourself as a child in front of you. If you have chosen journaling as your method, you want to write with your dominant hand as the parent, and have the inner child write back with your non-dominant hand. In self-reflection, you want to acknowledge that you are both parts are within you. This is a more advanced method and requires someone with greater awareness of self. Meditation and journaling will lead to self-reflection and integration of both parts, the child and the parent. In all instances, set a time and loving space for yourself so you can do this with no interruptions.

Acknowledgment:

The desire of the inner-child is to be seen, heard, be paid attention to, etc. We consistently ask for these things from others. Even when they are able to give to us what we ask for, we’re often left feeling like it’s not enough or merely a temporary fix. The reality is that when we learn to give ourselves what we want from others, they in turn begin to give it to us willingly and gracefully.

The best time to do this is when we have been hurt or triggered by an event, situation or person. Find the space and time to sit quietly, take a few minutes to breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, and connect to the situation at hand. Next bring your attention and focus from the situation, staying centered, present and calm at all times. Focus on the child or self and ask yourself the questions below. Other questions may come up, be sure to answer them as well. Remember to stay loving, open and positive.

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What do you want?

What emotions are present?

What do you need?

What do you want me to see/understand?

Are you open and trusting?

If you find yourself drifting away, lovingly and patiently bring yourself/ back to the process. Allow the answers to these questions and perhaps much more to come up for your understanding. Take your time.

This is not a process to fix, placate, judge, negate, pacify, or resolve anything. This is a process where the objective is to stay present and focused while lovingly accept the child/self exactly as it is. One important thing to keep in mind is that it matters not if the child is able to get back to the “good” or remains in the “bad”, what matters is that you acknowledge it just as it is.

Expression:

During this process the child/self will begin to give voice to his/her emotions. Mostly what’s considered “negative” emotions will appear first. There’s no such a thing as negative emotions, we have the right to feel what we feel. The expression of primary emotions is always healing. Staying fully present during this process gives way to love, peace and/or joy, especially for a child.

Your objective during this stage is to remain present and in your body at all times. It is easy to get distracted with the story of what happened and why we’re feeling this way. If that’s the case, bring your attention back to the emotion that is coming up.

At this point you may or may not feel physical discomfort. Emotions can sometimes be stored in the body, if you sense this happening, focus on the physical part as well. Stay with the discomfort. If you sit with the “negative” it will change.

Acceptance:

Have you ever heard the expression “what you resist, persists?” It is a human survival mechanism to resist, exclude, and reject something. We resist an event that happened, an emotional or physical state, a behavior, something we have judgment towards, etc.

This is a conscious or unconscious tape that often shows up as “I don’t want to be… poor, lonely, needy, a victim, tall, short… etc. We fear that this may be a permanent way of being therefore we reject it. Acceptance in this case doesn’t mean that we’re okay with the behavior of others or that an event or situation will remain permanent. The kind of acceptance I’m referring to is the acknowledgement that something happened or is happening at the present moment. If we surrender to that which is, it begins to change.

Acceptance happens almost naturally if we’re able to remain present during steps 1 & 2. If you’re still not able to surrender the solution is to go back to step 1 and 2 until we move through step 3 almost organically.

Lesson/Learning

One thing that will keep us from repeating the same patterns is to continuously ask ourselves; what the highest most positive learning for my-self and for my future? Sure, we can learn that some people are awful and wretched. I’m sure that’s true, but it’s neither positive nor about ourselves.

The kind of learning we are asking for is deeper and more meaningful. This kind of learning is insightful and transformative. The answer to this question will not only show you who you truly are, but it can help change your perspective in life.

Gratitude

To truly live a life on purpose, it is important to look for things to be grateful for. If you are in a state of gratitude, life will respond by giving you more reasons to be grateful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you go through life saying “yay, I’m grateful I got run over by a drunk driver”. What I’m advocating instead is that you look for how your life changed in a good way as a result. For instance, being in an abusive relationship may not be cause to celebrate. However, overcoming such a relationship makes a person wiser, stronger and more independent. That is something to appreciate and be thankful for.

This process more deeply roots you in a state of self-love. From this state you will have a solid foundation for happiness and well being.

I hope you found this information helpful! If you liked this method and want to learn more, please check out the upcoming events on my Calendar page. I would love to have you attend one of my ongoing workshops or classes. Please feel free to email me with any questions at sonya@sonyaarias.com.