When I was younger, confusion about what emotions were “good” and which of them were “bad” and advise of when to “feel my emotions”, and when to “overcome them and let them go” sent me into this unconscious, self-defense mechanism of disconnecting from them. As a child, this often helped me cope with what was transpiring around me when it was too much for me to understand or process. As an adult, this pattern hindered more than it help. In relationships, I would sometime shut down and close off instead of expressing how I felt thus hindering my ability to relate. Worse than that, when uncomfortable emotions surfaced, I would blame and accuse my partner of doing “this” to me. My pointing the finger would lead to his need to defend himself which would escalate to an argument, and often down the rabbit hole we’d go. If  I’d only known then what I’m about to share now, I would have been able to relate and understand that in healthy-happy relationships, the couple work together to overcome what’s needed. It’s them against adversity and not against each other.

The first time I heard primary and secondary emotions explained this way, it was so simple and so vital that I wondered how in the world had no one put it in a bottle and sold it. If they had, they would have made a fortune, I thought.

Emotions can be divided into four categories; primary emotions, secondary emotions, identified emotions and meta emotions.

Today, I will only addressed primary and secondary emotions since I wanted to share it with you for self-growth and personal and personal understanding.

• Primary Emotions- are a natural response to an event, and its purpose is to heal. If a child is sad because his mom leaves to go to work and he cries about it, he feels better. If the child  is able to express the emotion freely, he begins to learn individuality and self-awareness. Primary emotions when expressed uninhibitedly leave us feeling lighter, more peaceful and with a sense of completion. Primary emotions are also conscious and directed outwards. They don’t seem embarrassing. Others are able to sympathize with it, and when they’re shared in the presence of another, both parties are left feeling stronger.
• Secondary Emotions- on the other hand don’t heal and instead, they deviate from primary emotions. Theirs is a design of Self-defense mechanism when a primary emotion is too intense for us to process. Secondary emotions hinder action. We  hold onto them because they keep us from holding ourselves accountable from not taking action, which is what we must do . They’re usually inward, and when expressed there’s the tendency to close the eyes and/or cover the face. Secondary Emotions seek attention, and they often leave the doer and the observer depleted and in a negative state. It is a never ending pattern that leads nowhere healthy.

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So if you’re wondering what in the heck does that have to do with you and how it serves you, it’s very simple. Next time you have an emotion that surfaces, pay attention, is it a secondary emotion? are your eyes closed? are you covering your face? If so, then you know it’s a secondary emotion. Now you know it leads no where, so instead of indulging into this emotion ask yourself  “what’s the primary emotions that I need to express instead?” and when that surfaces, stay present, let it flow. Feel the emotion, the sometimes physical discomfort. This is the way  to healing. I promise you will survive, and at the end, you will feel much better.